Rose Colored Glasses
There's a song my dad used to sing when I was little about the ocean and rose colored glasses. I don't remember the lyrics, but I remember telling him it was so silly to think that how you feel about someone could change the way you look at them and the world. And growing up, the whole 'rose colored' glasses was something people insisted as a negative. Me being me, I never looked at it that way. I thought the idea of someone being so important the color everything about life was exciting. Whether they be a friend or more.
You guys may have noticed I've been off the grid for awhile. I'll be honest, I can't count the times I would open my blog browser and stare at it and all the unfinished drafts. I'd click on one and type a word or two, then delete them and close the tab. What's going on, Kit? No material? *sigh* I wish it was so. I've had material, pretty good material, for around 3 weeks now. But there's been so much emotion tied to the material I haven't been able to get it into words. Finally today I decided I was ready.
I've talked about my tight-knit group of friends before. Some of the bumps along the road, the great times we've had. They were people I was sure would be around for forever. I cared about them so much, I became a little blind in it. I got comfortable, so comfortable I ignored any signs of anything slightly toxic or wrong. And I got hurt because of it. For awhile now, I had sensed something was wrong between me and two of my friends. Rude comments were made, conversations were ignored and friction seemed to surround every interaction I had with them. I ignored it all though because they were my friends. What could go wrong? Like a ticking time bomb, it all exploded in my face. I learned they had been wanting to drop our friendship for some time. One had been planning on doing it very soon. The other had been planning to hide it for as long as they could-but looking back I realized that wouldn't have lasted. I found this out in the middle of what seemed to be a regular day. Sure the night before I had a fight with the first friend, but it hadn't seemed like a big deal, I figured we would get over it soon. The next few days only served to show me how wrong I was. When I found out, from another close friend, I fell apart.
Let me tell you something. School bathroom floors are not the most comfortable place to have breakdowns. In front of one of your best friends, who seems to look at you with all the helpless pity in the world? Hard. I cried uncontrollably for hours, and all she could do was sit next to me and tell me it would be okay, eventually. Some people might say I overreacted. But I disagree. These were two individuals who I had invested time, money, love and most importantly-trust, in. I told them things I didn't really tell anyone else. I relied on them. I gave them secret parts of me I generally kept hidden from the world. And I thought it was mutual. I thought they were people who wouldn't abandon me. For the next few days, I lived in a loop. Anger-sadness-repeat. I spent times punching pillows, I spent equal time crying into them and asking 'why wasn't I enough'. Something someone told me through this time stood out to me. "It's not that you weren't enough. You were too much for them to handle."
I guess that's what I want to say through all of this. If someone leaves you-it's not that you weren't enough. You are a loved child of God, made beautifully by His hands and you are so much more than 'enough' for someone who couldn't see how wonderful you are. I'll be completely honest here. I feel like a fraud saying this. Because while the words make sense in my head, my heart isn't with the program. I still felt like less. I still at times watch these two people, who seem none the worse for my absence, and wonder what's wrong with me. These are brief moments in time. They don't last long, but while they do, I kick myself for looking at people through rose colored glasses. Because, guys, in the end we're corrupt, sinful humans. No promise we make will be unbreakable. Nothing we say is set in stone. People come and go. We need to remember-it's all a plan. God's perfect, marvelous plan. And while it feels like lying when I say this to myself, I repeat it over and over, because I know it's truth. And sometimes after repeating what feels like a lie enough times, it becomes subconscious fact.
So that's what's been going on these past few weeks. I've regained a new sense of normal. I've taught myself to smile and move on. I look at people a bit differently now, but I try not to lose my sense of trust. I just remember, in the end, human trust might end, but God's trust is eternal. And that's more than enough for me, especially when I feel like I'm not. He's the one person we can look at through rose colored glasses, because He's looking right back at us with them.
-Kit💝
You guys may have noticed I've been off the grid for awhile. I'll be honest, I can't count the times I would open my blog browser and stare at it and all the unfinished drafts. I'd click on one and type a word or two, then delete them and close the tab. What's going on, Kit? No material? *sigh* I wish it was so. I've had material, pretty good material, for around 3 weeks now. But there's been so much emotion tied to the material I haven't been able to get it into words. Finally today I decided I was ready.
I've talked about my tight-knit group of friends before. Some of the bumps along the road, the great times we've had. They were people I was sure would be around for forever. I cared about them so much, I became a little blind in it. I got comfortable, so comfortable I ignored any signs of anything slightly toxic or wrong. And I got hurt because of it. For awhile now, I had sensed something was wrong between me and two of my friends. Rude comments were made, conversations were ignored and friction seemed to surround every interaction I had with them. I ignored it all though because they were my friends. What could go wrong? Like a ticking time bomb, it all exploded in my face. I learned they had been wanting to drop our friendship for some time. One had been planning on doing it very soon. The other had been planning to hide it for as long as they could-but looking back I realized that wouldn't have lasted. I found this out in the middle of what seemed to be a regular day. Sure the night before I had a fight with the first friend, but it hadn't seemed like a big deal, I figured we would get over it soon. The next few days only served to show me how wrong I was. When I found out, from another close friend, I fell apart.
Let me tell you something. School bathroom floors are not the most comfortable place to have breakdowns. In front of one of your best friends, who seems to look at you with all the helpless pity in the world? Hard. I cried uncontrollably for hours, and all she could do was sit next to me and tell me it would be okay, eventually. Some people might say I overreacted. But I disagree. These were two individuals who I had invested time, money, love and most importantly-trust, in. I told them things I didn't really tell anyone else. I relied on them. I gave them secret parts of me I generally kept hidden from the world. And I thought it was mutual. I thought they were people who wouldn't abandon me. For the next few days, I lived in a loop. Anger-sadness-repeat. I spent times punching pillows, I spent equal time crying into them and asking 'why wasn't I enough'. Something someone told me through this time stood out to me. "It's not that you weren't enough. You were too much for them to handle."
I guess that's what I want to say through all of this. If someone leaves you-it's not that you weren't enough. You are a loved child of God, made beautifully by His hands and you are so much more than 'enough' for someone who couldn't see how wonderful you are. I'll be completely honest here. I feel like a fraud saying this. Because while the words make sense in my head, my heart isn't with the program. I still felt like less. I still at times watch these two people, who seem none the worse for my absence, and wonder what's wrong with me. These are brief moments in time. They don't last long, but while they do, I kick myself for looking at people through rose colored glasses. Because, guys, in the end we're corrupt, sinful humans. No promise we make will be unbreakable. Nothing we say is set in stone. People come and go. We need to remember-it's all a plan. God's perfect, marvelous plan. And while it feels like lying when I say this to myself, I repeat it over and over, because I know it's truth. And sometimes after repeating what feels like a lie enough times, it becomes subconscious fact.
So that's what's been going on these past few weeks. I've regained a new sense of normal. I've taught myself to smile and move on. I look at people a bit differently now, but I try not to lose my sense of trust. I just remember, in the end, human trust might end, but God's trust is eternal. And that's more than enough for me, especially when I feel like I'm not. He's the one person we can look at through rose colored glasses, because He's looking right back at us with them.
-Kit💝
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